Always at war

My friend History and I often discuss world events, politics, and religion on a daily basis. We bounce ideas off of each other and think we are our own captains of industry [yeah..right lol...but you know we really do]. Between the two of us, we are reminded on a continual basis that there is nothing we cannot do, research, discover, strive for or achieve.

There is a difference between wasting energy trying to will something to happen, and manifesting something out of good joo joo and love. In the past month I seem to have taken up the cross [metaphorically] on receiving a set amount of a bonus at my current profession. Over and over I insist [and verbalize] a set dollar amount. My ideal dollar amount. I say it, I see it, I visualize it and I write it down, almost daily. The other night during our ‘check in’ conversations she says to me “you know, you live a good life”. Well duh! Where the hell was she going with this. I guess it was time to be reminded of what I preach the most. She continued with “you have a great apartment, you have a job that you love, you just hired another individual that you love being there to eliviate your stress and help you, you make a decent living financially, you drive a car you adore and you are working on real estate dreams trying to bring them to fruition. Not to mention someone that loves you dearly, a boss that respects you, and a support system of friends and family that have your back. So where is the fire? Where is the war you continue to wage on this scale? It seems like an awful lot of wasted energy”.

I was beside myself. It took a few days for this to sink in As much as I dislike observations made by others about myself [good or bad] she was right. It wasn’t about right or wrong here-she had a valid point. That is in fact how I am supposed to be living my life. It seems that I am willing to take up the torch for unknown causes, that were mostly self created. Why then does this happen? Self created drama? Boredom? Too much energy? Winter blues? Too much time on my hands [this was most definitely not the case but had to be asked as well]? It’s taken me days to think about and formulate this post. I haven’t figured out why I went into such a tail spin about taking up a cause that would prove to all around me the exact percent of work that I do, or how I do so much more than others. What the hell point would that prove? You see? Fruitless and a waste of time energy and space.

I do not need to stir the waters, win a battle that only exists in my head, fight the war waged by my own creation, or waste so much god dam energy. Channel it into something better. Anything better, even if that same energy is used to believe in myself. F*** the excuses, just do it. I have come to a new affirmation in addition to the others you will see throughout this blog. I am the only one worth believing in, and fighting for this is for certain. There is a time to rest, and there is a time to stand up and fight. Close your eyes, what do you see? Cover your ears and tell me what you hear? In your own silence and darkness, learn the appreciation of calm. That is what I must learn to do.